When getting out of bed feels like climbing Mount Everest...

*DEEP EMOTIONAL POST ALERT*

Excuse the fuzzy webcam picture!

Sorry for these countless emotional posts, really you don't have to read them if you don't want to. I just always like writing the things in my head down, it's soothing, and if anyone wants to read them, then that's a bonus!

Do you ever feel like your life is a roller coaster? Because these days one minute I can feel like I'm on the top of the world and everything is magical and colourful and loud and fast (a bit like what I expect being high would feel like) and that everything is in my reach. I'll email writers and editors with my work, I'll work for hours producing a piece of music until I am completely happy with it, I will run and it will make me feel amazing! And the the next minute I will feel like (for want of a better phrase) utter crap. I honestly won't have the energy to get out of bed, nothing will make me happy, I can't even be bothered talking. I just want to curl up in bed and drown myself in screamo music and My Chemical Romance, playing it so loud that I feel like I'm going to go deaf. I run to torture myself, I want to tear my hair out, scream at the top of lungs. I sometimes just wish that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I work myself into such a frenzy that I'm overcome by nauseousness. I convince myself that I am a failure, that I'm never going to get anywhere in life. I tear up stories that I have been working on for months, I delete music I've made, convinced its all worthless. I push people away because I either don't feel worthy of friends or just want to be alone.

Is this what being a teenager is like?
Because most of my friends don't seem like this. They enjoy life. I'm not saying I don't enjoy life, it's not that. I'm grateful of everything I have, but sometimes I feel like it's not worth it.

I'm plagued with nightmares, sometimes when I really feel like I'm going crazy I hear voices.

I HONESTLY DON'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

Supposedly I'm normal, supposedly I'm fine and there's nothing wrong with me, sadly, I just don't believe that.