I don't like having pretty friends...

You know those moments where you are standing next to an utterly stunning human being and you begin to feel really self conscious? They don't have a hair our of place, all their features are the right size, their makeup is perfect, they are super fashionable and they even smell good. And then there's you with your whacky hair, thick eyeliner and topman T-shirt thinking "Why oh why can't I be them?"
We have all experienced this at least once, am I right?

Well, lucky me, my four closest friends are all those sort of people, stunning without really trying to be stunning. Yep, Eilidh, Bluebell, Alice and Mara are four of "those girls" the smart, pretty people who just by standing next to you can make you look like utter dog poo. And I spent most of my time with them!!

I know when they read this they'll be like "Molly don't be silly that's not true!!" but it is! It's not a bad thing, it's almost humorous.

When us five walk together it looks like this

And that is why, although I love them all to bits and wouldn't change them for the world, I don't enjoy having pretty friends!

Walk With Me Until The Rain Dries Up..

Do you ever feel like this?

Like no matter how much you smile and assure people you're all right, you really aren't?

No matter how hard you try to look like you are holding it all together those tears still seem to manage to creep up on you.

No matter how many friends tell you "I'm here for you" you're still going to feel alone. You could get all the help in the world and you still wouldn't feel like you were "okay". But maybe that's because "okay" has been defined wrongly? Does everyone have to be happy to be okay? 

Sometimes I wish that when I was asked how I was instead of lying and saying "I'm fine" I would open up and try and explain what's going on in my mind. 

But then again that would take energy, and I don't seem to have a countless stash of that these days. I have a good family and great friends who are always there to listen when I need them to, but the problem is, I don't WANT to open up. Sometimes I enjoy feeling crazy, but sometimes it's all too much.

Is it normal to feel like there are two people in your one body?

Is it normal that instead of hearing my own voice in my head I hear a London accent?

Is it crazy that sometimes my head feels like candy floss?

Is it weird to be in love with an imaginary character? Or your best friend?

Is it okay to sometimes feel like you could explode?

Is it bad to forget reality and slip into an imaginary world to avoid your own thoughts?

Why are there so many questions I can't answer?

Am I mad?

Is this normal?

Sometimes I love my messed up mind but sometimes I hate it.

I'm terrified of getting old but can't bear to be young for much longer.

I have so many ambitions but sometimes just getting out of bed seems like a great achievement.

I get so anxious that I'll be over come by nausea.

I feel like I can't be a teenager because I'm too uptight about things like timing and trust.

I trust too easily and don't know what to do when that trust is broken.

Sometimes I drift so far off into an imaginary world I'll miss a whole lesson, or forget what I'm doing.

I wish I knew what was going to happen in the future because at the moment I don't like human beings.

I wish someone would take my hand and walk with me until the rain dries up, and then everything would be okay.

Would You?

You know the one thing I can't stand about being a teenager, the lack of adventure, the lack of freedom. Being young is great, to be honest I'm scared of growing up, but I'm hungry for bigger things than this small town.
Imagine this, if someone came up to you with a backpack and a one way ticket to your favorite city in the world, would you take it? What would you fill that bag with? Where would you go? Where would you stay?What would you do whilst you were away? Would you come back? COULD you come back?
Me, I'm forever full of worries and anxieties, I would worry the train would crash, or I would get stabbed, or my family would die whilst I was away. Why am I having deja vu whilst writing this? Because these are thoughts constantly running through my head, thoughts I can't seem to shake, I am a huge worrier. But that being said I also constantly worry about missing chances, so for that reason I probably would take the bag and the ticket and run.

I would probably stuff the backpack with music, a note book, pens and a camera and hop on the first train. I would obviously forget all the practicalities, classic Molly. Where would I be going? I have no idea. I guess most people can put their finger on a map and say "That is my favorite city." But I can't, for two reasons, first reason being I love cities, I love new people and new faces and new buildings and I'm an adventure addict so I can't pick a favorite! My second reason, a slightly more embarrassing one, I have no idea how to read maps! So either that ticket would be a world tour or a surprise!
Now no journey is complete without a sound track, and if I could only take one album it would have to be "Ashes" by Kyla La Grange. This woman is a freak of nature, how can someone have such a haunting voice? This album is beautiful and would definitely be my adventure sound track.

Imagine it, a complete unknown, unplanned adventure, on your own. Huge opportunities, but also huge risks. Would you grab it with both hands or run like it was the plague?

Are You For Real?

So today at school, yes, school, ugh. But yes, today at school I was sat in class and we got on to the discussion of whether we wanted to go to university, and if we did, what we wanted to study. I piped up "I'd loooove to study French and English!" "WHAT?" about five shocked voices shouted, "You want to study what?" a girl went on to say. Call me "out of it" but it wasn't until today that I realised that languages were regarded as uncool. I know from my posts I come across as a pretty big nerd, but I totally promise I'm not but (and not to be blunt) I don't really want to spend the rest of my life working in Tesco, I'd really like a satisfactory job. I'm not saying I want to translate or teach French I just think it would be a really interesting thing to study. But it seems that these days "cool" is someone who couldn't give a damn about their future, prances around in next to no clothing and someone who is (in want for a better word) easy, you know what I'm getting at here. Where as once we are older the roles will almost definitely switch, those who tried hard at school and got a good job will be the ones with lots of friends and the "cool" ones will have gone majorly down hill. I don't know about you, but I would rather maybe miss out on some of the fun at high school so that I can have a fulfilling and enjoyable career ahead of me. I really don't want you to get the wrong end of the stick though, I am NOT one of those people who stay inside all their life revising and watching documentaries, I love to have fun and I have a great group of friends. BUT I'm not like half of the girls in my year who prance around practically throwing myself at guys and constantly back chatting teachers, because I don't want to be pregnant at the age of sixteen with no qualifications. So tell me, would you rather be cool for six years or have a brilliant rest of your life?

Ramblings...

I love sleep, I honestly do. But I have a bad habit of telling myself "I will have an early night tonight" and then keeping myself awake with blogging, caffeine and over thinking, a fatal combination for me! So you better get used to these "after 10pm insights into Molly's mind" because if sleep doesn't seem like an option then I'll turn to the second best thing, writing, tea and He is We.

Writing though, it's heaven, literally. My head is constantly buzzing with ideas for characters and story lines. If you ever want to make me happy just ask me to tell you a story, I am never short of stories and I love telling them. I hope to be a published writer one day, but to be honest that is just one of many highly ambitious dreams. I would also love to make films, work on radio and act. But first things first I am going to write professionally, I have promised myself that. Soon I'll post some of my work up here, maybe..

I've had more than my fair share of trying to fit into my own skin and failing, and writing is like a therapy, if I don't understand me I just become someone else. It's crazy to think that my biggest hobby could one day be a career. I do sometimes sound like a huge nerd, I promise, I'm not! But saying that.... I do get excited shivers down my spine when I come up with a good idea for a story and I cherish my signed books as if they were children but I AM NOT A NERD, I'm just passionate.

Enough about writing, for the moment that is. Dreams, aspirations, that's what's on my mind right this minute. As I sip my cold tea, sitting in my bedroom in the dark on my laptop I'm wondering where life will take me. Where will I be in a couple of years? In the same position I am in now? Or will I be doing something amazing? A couple of years is a long time, I could be anywhere. One thing I know for sure, or I'd like to think I know, is that I will NOT be in Scotland drinking freezing tea! Bigger places are calling my name, I adore Italy, Milan, although not the prettiest city, would be a great place to live. Not forever, just for for a little while. And then there's France, I love the French language and can seriously see myself living there sometime, but I wouldn't want to bring up a family there. For one reason only, the schooling is so strict and far harder than here in Britain. If the day comes that I have kids, I want them to be brought up in England, but until then I would like to travel. I'd also be really interested in doing a degree in English and French, I really will never be able to kill my love of languages!

Adventure. That's one thing my life lacks at the moment. When you're little you make your own adventures, you life was always full of games, we all had that naughty imaginary best friend who was the one who spilled mummy's perfume, drew a dog on the living room wall and tripped up William. You were friends with everyone and Halloween was the most exciting night of the year along with Christmas Eve, you believed in everything and everyone believed you were going to grow up to be amazing. Life was one big adventure, you were fascinated that you could get green by mixing blue and yellow paint. There was always a bigger bed to crawl into if your dreams got creepy or your duvet fell off and you didn't have the strength to pull it back on. But suddenly you wake up and realise that one day you're going to have to take on the big bad world all on your own and that scares you. But these days I wish that it would come quicker, I would love to be dropped off in a city and told to fend for myself, it sounds silly but I have well and truly out grown this little town. I am hungry for adventure, no, I'm STARVING! Give me a suitcase and a train ticket and I'll go in search of my dreams. I feel just how I felt in P7, I could not wait to move up to secondary, I can't wait to start my life, it's so exciting.

I have so many feelings, actually let me reword that, I have too many feelings. I'm so easily hurt, I'm too easily exited, I'm too often let down, I'm more often than not anxious, I fall too fast and too hard, I love too openly, I dislike too strongly, I'm broken so quickly, I'm far too impatient yet scared of going too fast, I sometimes feel so lost in my own head, it's so deep and too full.

Sometimes I hate myself yet act superior.

Sometimes I love myself yet act inferior.

I know I'm right but when I'm asked I say I'm wrong.

I'm over confident so I act shy.

When I'm feeling shy I put on a confident front.

I hide my talents and flaunt my flaws.

I bury my weak spots and sensitivities so I can't get hurt.

I smile when I feel like crying.

When I want to smile I forget how to.

But you know what, I love my life the way it is (:

And this is why I should just sleep at night...