So, July is almost over and it has been a pretty damn good month! I discovered a love for many new things this month and I'd like to share them with you.
So here you go, the things that have made me grin this month, enjoy!
1. Boy friends! (Not actual boyfriends, but friends who are boys)
My best friend in the whole wide world ever Eilidhcakes (She's really called Eilidh, but I may start referring to her as Eilidhcakes) has just got back from America, while she was away I had NO IDEA what to do with myself, so I had to turn to my trusty guy mates to waste away my hours with.
I hadn't realised how much I love them all, not in an "I love you so lets get married and have ten children" way, more of an "Damn I love the way you can make me laugh until I think I'm going to be sick!" way. Boys are great, when I'm with my four best friends Eilidh, Rosa Bluebell, Alice and Mara I have a great time but I am no doubt the gobbiest, loudest and most rude of the five of us but when I'm with the guys I don't sound so loud, because they are all crazy!
If this was a couple of years ago I would no way be able to chill with them the way I do now, I most likely would have had a crush on one of them so I would have constantly been trying too hard. But now, I'm so comfortable around them it's like one big family and I'm the little sister. I love making a fool of myself and being able to laugh uncontrollably without worrying about being judged. I've spent many a brilliant afternoon with the boys this summer and it has been great, so that is why they are on the top of my list!
2. Running.
I started running again this month, after not doing it for about a year. I forgot how free it makes you feel, giving you time to think whilst being really good for you at the same time! I adore taking runs down by the river and stopping to sit on the rocks and think, I am a big thinker, sometimes my thoughts scare me but I really do love getting outside so I can have a good old think.
The weather has been brilliant this month so running has been an absolute joy in the evenings, I really hope to keep it up.
3. Lauren Aquilina.
Okay, music was obviously going to be on this list somewhere because music is just aghhhh, I can't even begin to explain how much music means to me. But this girl, she is more than music. She is inexplicably haunting yet comforting and just so insane. Her music has really made me happy this month so you should all check her out!
4. SHOES! Okay, I'm having a bit of a shoe addiction this month. Shoes have just been making me really happy, that's probably really sad, but it's true! I finally gave in and bought creepers AND new heels all in one week, but it was a great decision, I not only have new foot wear, but I also feel taller! Great!
So those are a couple of the things that have made me happy this month, what's made you happy?
I woke up this morning and as usual switched my radio on to catch some of Gemma Cairney on Radio1 before I had to get out of bed, but I was not expecting to hear what I did. "Cory Monteith has been found dead in his hotel room." My first thought was "Molly are you sure this is July? It could be April, maybe it's April fools." that is honestly what I thought first, so I check the date, but sadly, it wasn't April fools. My second thought was "Maybe I heard it wrong." but it was repeated, I hadn't heard it wrong. I was so shocked. Such a young man had died. I know that people die every day and we don't make a big deal about it and I'm sure a lot of people will be like "Just because he was famous doesn't mean it makes it more sad." and of course it doesn't, but because he was in the public eye lots of people were attached to him, felt they knew him. Many fans will have been so excited about his leaving rehab, so it really is very sad. My heart goes out to his family and close friends.
Okay so music is one thing I can't live without, I am obsessed, it's like a drug. I live by the saying "If the music is too loud, you're too old." because it's true.
I thought it would be interesting to do a "playlist" of my life, but I've done a lot in my fourteen years, and listened to a lot of music. So this is going to be one long playlist! So here it is, if my life were an album, this would be it.
"Unfinished letters, unsent messages"
The album of my life so far.
So I guess the best place to start is my birth, now my song selection for this is a little weird, you can thank my brilliant auntie for that! Obviously I don't remember being born, but the song "Laserlight" by Jessie J reminds my auntie of the day I was born. Once I was born my mum was recovering so my auntie was in a room with me on my own, and I opened my big brown eyes and stared up into hers. So the lyrics
"In the blink of an eye,
I was falling from the sky,
in the blur,
you took my breath away,
and my heart starts beating,
and my lungs start breathing,
and the voice in my head starts screaming,
I'm alive!"
Remind her of the first few minutes of my life.
2. My second track is for London. As a very young girl I lived in East London, it was only for a very short time, but I still claim to be a Londoner, hold on to your roots I say (;
I love London, it's such a diverse city and I plan to live there again some time in my life.
So my second track is Londoner by Chip.
I enjoy dancing around the house singing the chorus at the top of my lungs, annoying everyone around me!
3. So after being born in Canterbury, then moving to London, my parents ditched the rough city lifestyle and moved to North Berwick in Scotland. I have quite a few memories of living here, walking down by the beach, starting at two nurseries "The Honey Pot" and "Busy Bees", (What is it with people giving nurseries and child care facilities bee related names?) spending time with my friend Louise, or as I called her "Weez" and countless trips to the "Birdy Centre" I honestly don't know that places real name, it was always the birdy centre to me!
So because I clearly have to go for a beach themed song for my third track, I'm not going to, because I don't like being obvious! I have chosen Only Love by Ben Howard because this is such a relaxing song!
4 & 5. After living in North Berwick we moved to a small town, it was here that I enjoyed my last year of nursery and my first two years of Primary School. I made some brilliant friends and remember playing imaginary games like "The magical far away tree" with my best friend Amy and "The spaghetti monster" with Amy and our friend Aaron. Me and Amy were inseparable, we did everything together, from saving the world as super heroes to swimming lessons, from swapping toys to hiding from the witch next door! We prided ourselves in our ability of find things, looking back on it it was all junk, but when we were little it was so exciting to find a mini teddy or a jelly car air fresh or even just sweets. Once whilst waiting for our swimming lesson we found two pounds in the crack of a rock. I loved Amy and it feels so weird to be writing this and not knowing what's going on in her life, we went to different schools after primary two, we promised to keep in touch but it didn't happen. It's sad really, we were going to be each others maids of honour at our weddings, but friendships sometimes don't last. I enjoyed my time with Amy, and songs four and five are based on my time with her.
Song four is the YMCA, I remember singing super loud to this with her, not caring what anyone thought! And song five is *major cringe* The Cheeky Song by The Cheeky Girls, we were young and didn't understand that the song was pretty inappropriate to be singing at the top of our lungs where ever we went!
6. After primary two I moved to another small town and joined a new primary school, I started in the Christmas term and soon made friends, so my sixth song will have to be we wish you a merry Christmas!
7. My seventh song is Cotton Eyed Joe, in primary one of the highlights of my year was always sports day! I have never been a sporty girl, but primary sports day was always fun, with the sack race, the egg and spoon and so many more funny races! The only race I have ever won is the three legged race, me and my friend Alice from Velvet Nature were pros at that race! We won two years in a row!
But the best part of sports day was the games afterwards! One of my most fond memories is definitely dancing like a mad thing to cotton eyed joe dripping wet after a water fight!
8, 9 & 10. Now I'm not going to lie, the rest of primary flew by so quickly and I don't remember much, up until primary seven. I had a great time in primary seven and my best memories are of our "Rock Band" topic, where we split up into groups and formed pretend rock bands, we had to do everything from designing albums to planning world tours! It was brilliant! My band was called FlashBack, and that was when my slight emo/scene obsession developed. So my songs for primary seven are The Captain by Biffy Clyro, Orange Crush by R.E.M and That's What You Get by Paramore.
11. My eleventh track is about my first year in secondary. I hated it. Absolutely hated it. Enough said. So my eleventh track it Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd.
12. My twelfth song stands for my second year in secondary school. I hated this year as well. I got bullied because I cut my hair super short, people said I was a lesbian. I got called so many names "Dyke" "Faggot" "Lesbo" "Boy" "Justin Beiber" "Homo" "Dylan" and probably more, I've tried to block it all out! I couldn't walk into class without being ridiculed, I got water, spit, Lucozade and god knows what else tipped on my head on the bus ride home. I hated it so much.
But it made me stronger, so my twelfth song is almost taking the mickey out of myself, I've chosen Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith. Of course I wasn't a boy who looked like a girl, but I was a girl who supposedly looked like a boy.
13. My thirteenth track is represents how I felt a little while ago, I don't really want to go into detail, but I have chosen Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne.
14 & 15 My fourteen and fifteenth and final tracks are for my cousin Hugo, he is not only my cousin but my best friend, we have had so much fun as children! We had a club "The Love And Hate Club", learnt how to speak "Eggy", built countless dens and rafts and machines, went on camping trips to the "secret beach", lit the biggest craziest fires, make fire torches, had fun, got in trouble and generally had great fun!
Track fourteen is Too close by Alex Clare, because this was our clubs "war chant", cute. And track fifteen is Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple because we loved that song from a very young age and used to beg our dads to play it "As loud as the car radio can and open all the windows so everyone can hear!" We were brilliant fun :P
So here it is, the album of my life so far: 1. Laserlight by Jessie J
You know those moments where you are standing next to an utterly stunning human being and you begin to feel really self conscious? They don't have a hair our of place, all their features are the right size, their makeup is perfect, they are super fashionable and they even smell good. And then there's you with your whacky hair, thick eyeliner and topman T-shirt thinking "Why oh why can't I be them?" We have all experienced this at least once, am I right?
Well, lucky me, my four closest friends are all those sort of people, stunning without really trying to be stunning. Yep, Eilidh, Bluebell, Alice and Mara are four of "those girls" the smart, pretty people who just by standing next to you can make you look like utter dog poo. And I spent most of my time with them!!
I know when they read this they'll be like "Molly don't be silly that's not true!!" but it is! It's not a bad thing, it's almost humorous.
When us five walk together it looks like this
And that is why, although I love them all to bits and wouldn't change them for the world, I don't enjoy having pretty friends!
My title (Lyrics from "The liar and the lighter") was not referring to me and another human being, nope, I was talking about my relationship with my hair. Because we definitely were not in love, a year ago I decided it would be a great idea to *STUPID IDEA ALERT* cut off almost all my hair.
The thoughts were that
a) It would be really unique and cool
and
b) I would never have to style it
Yep, that was how I thought of it. Never did I think "Hmm, I might regret this because I won't have any hair to do anything with, it is a big decision to make and if I ever to want it back it will take a long time to grow."
If only I had thought any of those things and held off the chop, but no, I wanted to be different.
And now a year on, I'm still sat here with hella short hair, wanting it back!
This is probably about the third time I've said I'm growing it back, but I am determined now!!
I miss being able to do things with my hair, I hate having a god awful Bieber flick
and I don't like looking like a guy!
But now I'm thinking, WHAT STYLE DO I GO FOR ONCE I FINALLY HAVE HAIR?!
So here are a couple of ideas I liked, I am totally rubbish at making decisions, so these are just things I like the look of.
The Leah Look
I've been a fan of Leah since last year, and have always loved her signature look, her full block colour fringe is amazing!!
Could I go scene?
In my last year of primary I developed I complete obsession with scene haircuts, and I think that obsession may be coming back. I think they are totally cute! And I do tend to wear a lot of eye liner. Could I pull it off or would I just look uber Gothic?
Could I go all New Girl?
I looooove Zooey Deschanel, and her hair is just so cute and preppy. I seem to be leaning towards the whole fringe thing, and if I decided to go like Zooey then I could go back to my natural colour, YAY!!
Pleeaasseee leave me any hair ideas, because I NEED INSPO!!
Like no matter how much you smile and assure people you're all right, you really aren't?
No matter how hard you try to look like you are holding it all together those tears still seem to manage to creep up on you.
No matter how many friends tell you "I'm here for you" you're still going to feel alone. You could get all the help in the world and you still wouldn't feel like you were "okay". But maybe that's because "okay" has been defined wrongly? Does everyone have to be happy to be okay?
Sometimes I wish that when I was asked how I was instead of lying and saying "I'm fine" I would open up and try and explain what's going on in my mind.
But then again that would take energy, and I don't seem to have a countless stash of that these days. I have a good family and great friends who are always there to listen when I need them to, but the problem is, I don't WANT to open up. Sometimes I enjoy feeling crazy, but sometimes it's all too much.
Is it normal to feel like there are two people in your one body?
Is it normal that instead of hearing my own voice in my head I hear a London accent?
Is it crazy that sometimes my head feels like candy floss?
Is it weird to be in love with an imaginary character? Or your best friend?
Is it okay to sometimes feel like you could explode?
Is it bad to forget reality and slip into an imaginary world to avoid your own thoughts?
Why are there so many questions I can't answer?
Am I mad?
Is this normal?
Sometimes I love my messed up mind but sometimes I hate it.
I'm terrified of getting old but can't bear to be young for much longer.
I have so many ambitions but sometimes just getting out of bed seems like a great achievement.
I get so anxious that I'll be over come by nausea.
I feel like I can't be a teenager because I'm too uptight about things like timing and trust.
I trust too easily and don't know what to do when that trust is broken.
Sometimes I drift so far off into an imaginary world I'll miss a whole lesson, or forget what I'm doing.
I wish I knew what was going to happen in the future because at the moment I don't like human beings.
I wish someone would take my hand and walk with me until the rain dries up, and then everything would be okay.
So today at school, yes, school, ugh. But yes, today at school I was sat in class and we got on to the discussion of whether we wanted to go to university, and if we did, what we wanted to study. I piped up "I'd loooove to study French and English!" "WHAT?" about five shocked voices shouted, "You want to study what?" a girl went on to say. Call me "out of it" but it wasn't until today that I realised that languages were regarded as uncool. I know from my posts I come across as a pretty big nerd, but I totally promise I'm not but (and not to be blunt) I don't really want to spend the rest of my life working in Tesco, I'd really like a satisfactory job. I'm not saying I want to translate or teach French I just think it would be a really interesting thing to study. But it seems that these days "cool" is someone who couldn't give a damn about their future, prances around in next to no clothing and someone who is (in want for a better word) easy, you know what I'm getting at here. Where as once we are older the roles will almost definitely switch, those who tried hard at school and got a good job will be the ones with lots of friends and the "cool" ones will have gone majorly down hill. I don't know about you, but I would rather maybe miss out on some of the fun at high school so that I can have a fulfilling and enjoyable career ahead of me. I really don't want you to get the wrong end of the stick though, I am NOT one of those people who stay inside all their life revising and watching documentaries, I love to have fun and I have a great group of friends. BUT I'm not like half of the girls in my year who prance around practically throwing myself at guys and constantly back chatting teachers, because I don't want to be pregnant at the age of sixteen with no qualifications. So tell me, would you rather be cool for six years or have a brilliant rest of your life?
I love sleep, I honestly do. But I have a bad habit of telling myself "I will have an early night tonight" and then keeping myself awake with blogging, caffeine and over thinking, a fatal combination for me! So you better get used to these "after 10pm insights into Molly's mind" because if sleep doesn't seem like an option then I'll turn to the second best thing, writing, tea and He is We.
Writing though, it's heaven, literally. My head is constantly buzzing with ideas for characters and story lines. If you ever want to make me happy just ask me to tell you a story, I am never short of stories and I love telling them. I hope to be a published writer one day, but to be honest that is just one of many highly ambitious dreams. I would also love to make films, work on radio and act. But first things first I am going to write professionally, I have promised myself that. Soon I'll post some of my work up here, maybe..
I've had more than my fair share of trying to fit into my own skin and failing, and writing is like a therapy, if I don't understand me I just become someone else. It's crazy to think that my biggest hobby could one day be a career. I do sometimes sound like a huge nerd, I promise, I'm not! But saying that.... I do get excited shivers down my spine when I come up with a good idea for a story and I cherish my signed books as if they were children but I AM NOT A NERD, I'm just passionate.
Enough about writing, for the moment that is. Dreams, aspirations, that's what's on my mind right this minute. As I sip my cold tea, sitting in my bedroom in the dark on my laptop I'm wondering where life will take me. Where will I be in a couple of years? In the same position I am in now? Or will I be doing something amazing? A couple of years is a long time, I could be anywhere. One thing I know for sure, or I'd like to think I know, is that I will NOT be in Scotland drinking freezing tea! Bigger places are calling my name, I adore Italy, Milan, although not the prettiest city, would be a great place to live. Not forever, just for for a little while. And then there's France, I love the French language and can seriously see myself living there sometime, but I wouldn't want to bring up a family there. For one reason only, the schooling is so strict and far harder than here in Britain. If the day comes that I have kids, I want them to be brought up in England, but until then I would like to travel. I'd also be really interested in doing a degree in English and French, I really will never be able to kill my love of languages!
Adventure. That's one thing my life lacks at the moment. When you're little you make your own adventures, you life was always full of games, we all had that naughty imaginary best friend who was the one who spilled mummy's perfume, drew a dog on the living room wall and tripped up William. You were friends with everyone and Halloween was the most exciting night of the year along with Christmas Eve, you believed in everything and everyone believed you were going to grow up to be amazing. Life was one big adventure, you were fascinated that you could get green by mixing blue and yellow paint. There was always a bigger bed to crawl into if your dreams got creepy or your duvet fell off and you didn't have the strength to pull it back on. But suddenly you wake up and realise that one day you're going to have to take on the big bad world all on your own and that scares you. But these days I wish that it would come quicker, I would love to be dropped off in a city and told to fend for myself, it sounds silly but I have well and truly out grown this little town. I am hungry for adventure, no, I'm STARVING! Give me a suitcase and a train ticket and I'll go in search of my dreams. I feel just how I felt in P7, I could not wait to move up to secondary, I can't wait to start my life, it's so exciting.
I have so many feelings, actually let me reword that, I have too many feelings. I'm so easily hurt, I'm too easily exited, I'm too often let down, I'm more often than not anxious, I fall too fast and too hard, I love too openly, I dislike too strongly, I'm broken so quickly, I'm far too impatient yet scared of going too fast, I sometimes feel so lost in my own head, it's so deep and too full.
Sometimes I hate myself yet act superior.
Sometimes I love myself yet act inferior.
I know I'm right but when I'm asked I say I'm wrong.
I'm over confident so I act shy.
When I'm feeling shy I put on a confident front.
I hide my talents and flaunt my flaws.
I bury my weak spots and sensitivities so I can't get hurt.
I smile when I feel like crying.
When I want to smile I forget how to.
But you know what, I love my life the way it is (:
Everyone deserves happiness, everyone. But sometimes times I feel a little down, so I decided to make a list of all the things that never fail to make me smile.
My friend Eilidh is doing the same so go check out hers too!
The first thing on my list is Vince Kidd. If you don't know who Vince is a. I am shocked and b. I feel sorry for you. This man is my life, no one understands my love for him but it doesn't matter because I do. He was on the voice in 2012 and is now signed to Island Records and has released two EP's, a single and is to release his debut album this year. Without realising it, the moment Vince stepped on that stage on The BBC Voice he became a hero and role model for a lot of people, especially misfits. With his bleach blonde hair, leather jeans and baggy tie dye vest he wasn't exactly "bbc" but he was DEFINITELY perfect. His voice is to die for and his lyrics mean so much. He stands for all the right things but deffo ain't boring. This man is such a darling to all his fans, in fact once I had had an awful day so Vince took the time to phone me and cheer me up, now you don't get that from just any signed singer! He seemed to understand me so well, told me to be proud of who I was and love the things and the people I love and not care what anyone else thinks. Just to have that advice from the one person you idolize most is almost life changing. So when ever I'm down I'll pop on some good old Vincey K and there will soon be a smile on my face! Check him out here.
The next thing on my list has to be books. I really can't help the fact that I am a MASSIVE book worm, writing and reading go hand in hand I guess. Books are just great, if ever I need to escape from my hectic life a book is the best way to do it, I find it so easy just to slip into a book and forget the outside world completely, I love it. Not just that but I am always looking for inspo on things to write about and books help loads. I know people who have never read a whole series of books, I even had a couple of friends who suddenly announced to me that they had never finished reading a single book, WHAT?! I'm sorry to say but those friendships did not last long! Just everything about books, book shops and libraries excites me, I don't even care how sad that sounds, it's true. Honestly, if you are well read there is far more chance of us becoming friends and if you work in a book shop, can we be bestos? *puppy eyes*
Music. Sorry to have such a broad category but I just adore music in general. I don't have a music taste. I love everything, well almost everything apart from the generic music Xfactor churns out, like Cher Lloyd and One Direction *waits for a whole lot of abuse from directioners*
I'm not one of those people who like any music that's in the charts at the moment nor do I limit myself to one genre, I just love music, I don't know where I would be if I couldn't hear. I can't help but grin from ear to ear when ever I hear a song I like!
Manchester. I'm not crazy I promise, but that city makes me smile! It's so diverse and exciting. I love the fact that you will be walking down a really shady looking alley way and suddenly you'll come across a super cool cafe with graffitied walls or bowler hat lamp shades! I also have an obsession for designer toys (like Ugly Doll, Blythe and Mind Style) and there are some great independent stockists in Manchester. They also have some of my favourite chains like Pylones and Wagamama. But the cherry on the cake for Manchester is deffo "Afflecks" a crazy multiple story indoor market place (Like ASOS market place but crammed into one building!!!!) for anything from beads to bralets, from vintage to velvet, from perfume to piercings, from top hats to tattoos. You haven't lived unless you've been to Afflecks! Find them here.
There are a lot more things that make me smile, but I think that's a good starting point!
The thing I can not stand about society these days is the whole "ticking boxes" aspect of life. It's as if you have to fit into a questionnaire to fit in. You have to be left or right handed. You are born male or female and that's your gender. You have to be gay, bisexual, lesbian or straight. You can't be in between and that I really can't put up with. Why do people have to be labeled? What is the need? "Hello I'm a blonde, right handed, heterosexual female!" "Hi, you know what? I don't really care."
In my opinion I honestly think in a couple of years gender and sexuality is going to be no big deal. Just because you are born with certain features I don't think you should have to be branded as a certain gender, I know it may sound crazy because it goes against everything biologically correct but that's just how I feel.
I think if you are born "female" and feel "female" then great. If you are born "male" and feel "male" then great. But if you're not it shouldn't be the huge affair it is these days. I just don't think gender should be such a huge label, people shouldn't have to fit into these "male" and "female" boxes. I put the words in inverted commas because to be perfectly honest I am not very fond of them. People should be who they are and not who society thinks they should be, people should just be people. If this was the case it wouldn't matter who you fell in love with because people are people and love is love.
I was filling out a questionnaire the other week and it came to a section on sexuality, I was going to tick a box rather than kicking up a fuss but the woman whom I was filling it in for turns to me and says "Please don't fill that part in, personally I hate it. Why should people have to fit into boxes?" so I know I'm not the only one who feels like this!
Another think that annoys me is male and female sections in clothes shops. I love fashion but that doesn't limit me to the female section in any way, sometimes a male T-shirt or jacket will catch my eye and I won't think twice about buying it. But honestly sometimes the looks I get are shocking, you can always tell what they are thinking "Oh look at her buying male clothing with her short hair, how gay!" STEREOTYPES. I HATE THEM. If I like an item of male clothing that's my choice and has nothing to do with you. Why can male and female clothing just be mixed so people can make their own minds up about what "sex" it is for.
People should not need to be embarrassed about what clothes they wear. People should not be discriminated against for their sexuality. People should be happy in their own skin.
Now, enough ranting for one day I think! On a more positive note I'd like to point out how the gender boundaries in modeling are being blurred quite considerably, possibly a step towards the future I would like!
Look at Andrej Pejic, a twenty two year old Bosnian male model who, not to put it bluntly but, looks like a woman. At the age of nineteen Pejic was in the Marc by Marc Jacobs advertising campaign, he was part of a movement to try and blur the gender lines in modeling.
Picture from the Telegraph And then there's Lea T, a beautiful Brazilian transgender model born in 1981. In March 2012 Lea T went under surgery to change her gender. In an interview with the New York Times Lea said "When you are a transsexual, you look for your future, and you can't see it, I thought this would be a nice message for another tranny: 'Look, we can be the same as other girls and boys.' It's small, but it makes you feel like you have a little chance. Maybe a transsexual will open a magazine and think: 'That's cool. We can be whatever we want.' That's why I did the Givenchy campaign."
So for me this acceptance of Transgender Models seems like a step in the right direction!
